Why is phone sex in the movies always so cheesy? I’m talking about mainstream Hollywood flicks, not Indie flicks like Girl 6 and the Girlfriend Experience. It usually played for laughs and ick factor as something no one really does. Hah! I beg to differ!

Drew Barrymore has a new movie coming out about a long distance relationship. I haven’t seen any clips or trailers just interviews where she talks about phone sex. I guess her character has phone sex with her long distance lover to help keep the relationship going. Not sure if it works or not, but from the interviews with Ms Barrymore Hollywood again made phone sex seem abnormal, something only lonely, desperate folks engage in.

I’ve got news for you Hollywood. Lots of people have phone sex and not only those in LDRs. People have it with their partners when they can’t be together and want have some fun or as a warm-up for fun when they will be together.

Then there’s Anne Hathaway’s character in Valentine’s Day. Her character was not even a good caricature of a stereotype! Spanking Vladimir? Taking calls in the office or on the street? Showed her character as taking calls all over the place on her cell phone without regard for privacy; hers, the callers or bystanders! Interviews with her during the making of the film all concentrated on the the seamy side of phone sex instead of on the steamy side.

Believe me, when you call me our privacy is very important to me. I wont be taking your calls on a street somewhere. For one thing I usually take your calls in my jammies in bed where I like to be best or on my deck wearing very very little, like a tank top and panties, since that’s my favorite summer attire. I don’t have near neighbors because I like it that way! No one but the hummingbirds is going to hear our conversation and my accent isn’t a made-up farce. If I’m going to be spanking you, you’re going to believe in it!

PS

One scene of phone sex in the movies I do have to mention as really getting it - The Truth About Cats and Dogs “Are we really going to do what I think we’re going to do?” Yummm.

There was a full moon last weekend. The July full moon is special. It’s midsummer. The days are long and hot. The nights bring cooler air, but there’s still plenty of heat from the day left behind. The rising moon sheds plenty of light. It’s a night for a picnic and skinny dipping.

There’s a lake about 2 miles up the hill behind my cabin, well maybe not a lake but deep enough to swim in. I had a girlfriend visiting from out of town for the weekend. We packed up a decadent picnic of pears and melon, prosciutto, just ripe brie, crusty bread, a crisp, cold bottle of white wine and of course some chocolate.

We started out on horseback in the last of the light, bareback with my friend up behind me. Her arms were around my waist and chin resting on my shoulder as we chatted and rode. Her full breasts pressed into my back and her hand slid up under my T-shirt to rest on my bare skin as we swayed together on the back of the horse.

It was full dark when we reached the pond, just in time to watch the full moon rise above us. The moonlight slid across the water as it climbed, too inviting to ignore. We quickly slid out of our clothes and into the water. The cold mountain water washed over us taking the heat of the day with it and making my nipples harden instantly from it’s touch. It is absolute magic to swim naked under a full moon in July, to feel the water on your over heated skin and replace that heat with refreshing coolness. To watch the moon rise higher and light up your own private playground. To feel your lover’s skin slide against yours in the water, to feel her mouth open to yours and taste the wine on her lips.

Last week I told you that I had gotten a lovely gift of a spa day and I planned to spend a day being pampered and massaged and painted. I did and it was wonderful. Afterward I had to go out and indulge myself even more with my other not-so-secret sexy obsession. Lingerie.

A lot of of you know that I’m something of a tomboy. I ride horses, ski, run rapids, train dogs, rappel out of helicopters, and fix old cars. All of that doesn’t mean that I’m not girlie and sexy to the bone. It’s just part of what I like to do and who I am. A girl can be physically outgoing and girlie as well, all rolled into one delicious, unpredictable package.

You know that part of my girlie side is having phone sex with you boys. Tormenting and teasing you, sweet or spicy depending on my mood and how nice you’ve been to me lately. Of course phone sex isn’t my only girlie, sexy outlet. I love dressing up just as much as anyone and these long long legs of mine generate more than their share of attention when I put on my heels and short skirts.

But my favorite girlie indulgence is lovely, silky, sweet, delicious lingerie. It’s not so much an indulgence as it is a necessity. The feel of silk sliding over my skin or sheer hose on my legs is a sensuality that gives me that secret smile a lot of you comment on. It’s the feel of a satiny camisole or sheer silky panties or my light-as-air, almost-not-there jammies slipping over my skin or under my hands. Even under my jeans or ski gear I’m wearing pretty boy shorts with lace or a hot pink thong.

No matter if I’m filthy to my eyeballs in mud, underneath it all will be the sexy undies that are the reminder that no matter what else I’m doing the essence of me is hot and sexy to the core, just like my smile.

The FDA says there is no such thing as an aphrodisiac, but man has believed in and used them since recorded history. There are a lot of foods that are high in this or that vitamin, property, whatever that can physically enhance performance. Then there are the ones that are steeped in history and mythology and symbolism. A lot of those also contain physically enhancing properties, but it is more the belief that they boost your libido. Since the brain is our largest sexual organ, if it believes a food is sexy then the body will follow!

I love to cook and believe eating to be a sensual delight my list of foods have more to do with the taste, texture, shape and pure enjoyment than based on any scientific research. My own personal research, however, backs me up.

1. Chocolate. Is any explanation needed here?
2. Red wine. Sit back, relax, share a glass of wine, reconnect, flirt.
3. Asparagus. Should be eaten as a finger food, slowly and suggestively.
4. Figs. An open fig suggests the female sex organs. They are reported to be Cleopatra’s favorite fruit. And so tasty and juicy!
5. Strawberries. Even without being dipped in chocolate they make my list.
6. Shrimp. Boiled in the shell so you have to slow down, peel them, hold them by their little tails and dip them.
7. Avocados. Lovely creamy texture and taste. The Catholic priests in Spain found this fruit so obscenely sexual that they forbade it.
8. Brie. Runny brie is another food you slow down and eat and talk over which leads to enjoying your partner’s company which leads to whatever you want it to.
9. Basil. A little goes a long way with it’s destinctive taste that fires up tingling thoughts.
10. Ginger. See above!

That’s you isn’t it sweetie? No matter how big you actually are, you’ll always think of yourself as a short-dicked man won’t you? You’re the kind of guy who knows he doesn’t deserve a woman like me aren’t you? Someone sweet and sexy who would give you all of her attention and make you feel as if you were a real man, the kind of man who actually deserves that kind of attention. The kind of man who should have a woman like me on his arm. The kind of man that I deserve.

But you arent that kind of man are you sugar? You’re not, you’re a short-dicked man aren’t you? You’re the kind of guy who’ll live on one of my smiles for a week. The smile that probably wasn’t even meant for you. I smile at everyone, so don’t take it personally sweetie I’m just being polite. You knew it couldn’t have been meant for you. You know know it’s never going to happen but you always hope dont you?

You hope, but deep down you know that you simply don’t deserve my attention. You know you couldn’t possibly measure up to the kind of man I should be with. You know, the kind of man who can really satisfy me in every way, physically as well as emotionally. A man I can treat as an equal. Obviously, that’s not you sweetie not with your little shorty dick and lack of confidence. I probably don’t even realize you are in my orbit most of the time, Do I?

One of the best things about living in the mountains in the winter is my hot tub. It sits out on my deck with a small firepit nearby and a view across the valley and of the stars at night. If I don’t get any other shoveling done after a storm, I always clear a path to the hot tub, I really dislike walking barefoot through the snow!

I love coming home after a long day outdoors, pouring myself a glass of red wine, slipping out of my clothes and stepping naked out onto the deck. Yes, the walk (or run) to the tub is chilly but that makes sinking into the hot water that much more delicious.

So when I say I’m going for a soak you can picture me up to my chin in hot water, steam whirling around me, a glass of wine in hand looking up at the stars and thinking of new ways to torment you